Growing from Your Pain

It was the worst day of my life.

Lying alone in my king-sized bed, I tossed and turned. The clock mocked me as the hours read one, then two, then three in the morning. Now it was 4:00 am, and I hadn’t slept a wink. My mind kept replaying the events of the evening over and over in my head. I still could not believe that this was the end.

Just hours earlier, I had stood there, shocked by what my husband had told me. I did not want to believe what I was hearing. Like a ton of bricks crashing over my body, the weight of his words was unbearable. Each utterance hurt as if a sword was piercing my heart. I wanted to escape, but I felt completely paralyzed.

As though coming face to face with a mountain lion, my instincts kicked in. My choice was fight or flight. With adrenaline pumping, I had to escape this giant predatory-sized pain chasing after me. I bolted for the stairs thinking, “I don’t want to be divorced!” 
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In the safety of my bedroom, I called my accountability partner, Erin, to share the heartbreaking news. Tears streaming down my face, I knew I could not handle this alone. I needed her help.

As the phone rang, I thought back to the weekly walks Erin and I had been taking together the past several months to purposefully pray for healing in my marriage. I hoped God would restore us, but now it looked bleak. When she answered the phone, I sobbed as I shared that my marriage of 15 years was over.

That night, I began enduring the hardest year of my life.

The following day, I woke up and went digging through my desk. I remembered hearing a series at my church just months earlier called “Getting Through What You’re Going Through.”  Pastor Rick Warren had just returned from a hiatus as he grieved the loss of his youngest son. He had just suffered the greatest heartbreak of his life, and his sermons were some of the most profound and amazing messages he had ever shared. Little did I know then how much I would need his wisdom.

Searching for the sermon notes, I read the words I had written on the top of the outline: “God uses pain to fulfill the purposes of your life.” Not sure how God was going to do that, I kept reading. One of his bullet points said, “I can use my pain to draw closer to God.” In the margin, I scribbled, “You have a choice: you can run to God or run away from God.”

There is something about being taken to a place of heartbreak where you must choose to run to God with your pain or run away from God in anger. At that moment, I decided to run to the Lord with my pain: every hour, every day, or every minute if necessary.

I put down the sermon notes, grabbed my pen, and wrote this in my journal: “God, I truly want to grow from my pain. I don’t want it to break me. I want it to grow me and help me draw closer to you. Only you can give me strength in this nightmare I am living. Only you can turn my tears into hope. I lay this at your feet. Please take my pain and help me draw closer to you, your power, your strength, your love, and your comfort. Please help me to teach my kids to do that too. Help me be an example to them and give me the strength for another day.”

I am not going to tell you that life suddenly got easier. I was facing a real storm. The waves kept crashing, and the winds kept blowing. I can tell you this: God is faithful. He did give me strength each day, and He can do the same for you. As I cried out to Him each morning, He met me right where I was. Heartbroken. Hurting. Devastated.

He gave me comfort when I felt alone.

He gave me the strength to help comfort my kids.

He gave me the power to help me get through each day.

Looking back, I don’t know how I got through those first weeks and months. Honestly, I just started with one simple step: inviting God into my daily pain. Sometimes I breathed a quick prayer, “Help me, God, today, I don’t have the strength.” On other days, I got up before my kids and journaled. I often clung to a verse that reminded me I was not alone in my grief.

I needed these reminders constantly. Like water to my thirsty soul, I wanted to know I was not facing this pain alone. On my hard days, I needed to remember that God was walking step by step with me. 

Friend, the God of the Universe wants to walk step by step with you too!

I pray this truth brings you hope in the middle of your unexpected storm. You do not have to endure this alone. Psalms 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Remember, God is near to us in our heartbreak. So, keep running to Him daily. He is faithful and will strengthen you during this storm. I also believe He wants to grow your roots deeper in your faith in a way you never knew possible. Allow Him to refine you to make you more like Jesus!

Praying for you,

Jodi

(This post was an excerpt from Jodi’s book, Depth: Growing Through Heartbreak to Strength.)